MADAMNATION

MADAMNATION #29/The Devil's Advocate... Many times in my life, I've come across opportunities to capitalize on the moments, weather it be business or pleasure & sometimes even in the most dubiously unscrupulous manner... so many of my prior employees of my once thriving escort services would say back in my hay day. One time in particular, I was setting up a new service over in the Ritzy Washington Square section of Philadelphia, when the business line rang with a potential client wanting to see a blonde Trans Escort with whom he could offer up the best oral session this side of the city. I arranged for him to meet such a person I had on staff. However, it would take a moment for her to arrive to the new location. Thus, I invited him in to wait with a glass of Merlot. After a long wait, the business line rang again, it wasn't the employee I was expecting, but yet another client with request to be crossed dressed like a slut. There in that moment my wheels be

MADAMNATION #25/ °CENSORED/ REPOST/...Drop it like it's Hot! With being away in prison for as long as I've been thus far, One thing a girl like me tends to miss most... is some goooood food. Eating dry Ramen noodles cooked in Luke warm water, with a couple of pieces of beef stick added tends to get boring and mundane fast. The cafeteria's food tends to get more gross the more times you go, as you become more & more awear of the staff and inmate population who prepared it. However, this afternoon my roommate Tae introduced me to the fascinating jailhouse method of cooking (in cell) with raw electric. At first I was one who turned my nose up to such methods of prepping food in which "I" would feel comfortable to intake and digest. But my mouth thought otherwise as Tae schooled me on how to prep and make fried rice. Yes! ...I said that right. We made Beef & Bacon Fried Rice that to the taste was, and I mean literally, the best thing I've tasted in five

MADAMNATION #28/ Are Ouija Boards Wicked? ... I remember the time I got my first Ouija Board. I was 18 years old when I asked my highschool sweetheart Richard to go with me to the toy store in order to purchase the mystifying game. Upon getting it home, Rich & I quickly learned that this piece of wooden board with letters & number in ornate calligraphy, the panache accessory which had a small window just below it's pointer, & ancient drawings of a sun & half moon on the face of it was anything but a children's game in which it was subtly implied by it being for sale amongst Barbie Dolls & Lego Blocks waiting for any naïve parent to pick up, perhaps for a child's Christmas or Birthday gift. Darkness & Demonic forces at play, would be the only thing "toying" around your home once this instrument of hell is welcomed in it. Reminiscing back to a candle lit room in my grandparent's home in which I lived in order to care for my aging grand

MADAMNATION #27/ Dear Madam is the new dear Abby? With all due respect to our mother & grandmother's long past beloved advice columnist Dear Abby. & only because of popular demand, I will attempt to try my own hand at solving some of the Dam Nation's trifles & request for insight into many of their own dilemmas. Thus, if any of you out there in MADAMNATION would like to seek my advice in matters of any aspect of your life... please send emails & letters to the address in many of my entries/although I have no room to repost in this entry. And Thus we begin... With a heartfelt letter I just received in just yesterday. And after a good night's sleep on it... I am now going to advise my dear little reader Stephany of her quagmire. Stephany writes to me...Dear Madam, I am currently in court fighting a drug case. The drugs were not really mine at all, they were my boy friend's. However... He has already gotten in trouble before with his dealings, & aske

MADAMNATION #26/ Help...He's been shot below the waistline! Someone dial 911, My Transman room mate Tae has been shot below the waistline. No, not really, but today Tae is suffering from what many Transmen reluctantly want to admit too... he's having his period. To witness this first hand is an oxymoron of a sight. Such a masculine & full of bravado type of personality whimpering and whining over something that so synonymous to the female gender. As he curls up on his top bunk, under his favorite football team's paraphernalia of sportsmanship, something that's so the paradigm of his quest for the manhood he's always dreamt of all of his life. I can't help but feel so bad that this poor boy is bleeding uncontrollably through something on his body that he hates... His vagina. I can't say that I feel for him but so much, for all my life all I ever wanted was to go running through the house at twelve years old, or thirteen as all my sisters did,

 MADAMNATION #24/ Clash of the Cultures..."The Feign DOWNESS" Why is it whenever a White chick here in the joint get around black chicks, their dialect all of a sudden become so "down"? And why is it that when ever someone new discovers that I am transgender, they all of a sudden finds the need to snap their fingers, whip their necks into contusions while spating out jargon as if they were a Flaming Fagot somehow trying to sound relatable to me? ...ew! Please know that it's disgusting and please STOP! First off, I am Transgender and not homosexual... better yet, sounding like a flaming homo to me in order to feel as though your somehow fitting in with me is making you look like a looser in my eyes, & your doing nothing but showing me that your the last person I wana befriend. Not that i find anything wrong with being Gay, it's just not who I am, nor is it who you are... SO PLEASE STOP! Being yourself is cool dude. Stop trying to be something that yo

MADAMNATION #23/Kim Kardashian-West... The Blood Don't Lie Since the episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians aired a few years back, with Kim in her doctor's office disclaiming the rumors of her buttock enhancements with X-rays showing clear of any buttock augmentation with silicone implants, many have questioned the validity of my claims of enlarging her buttocks years past. Thus, I bring you to the facts of that episode that alludes many who viewed it. He doctor and Kim was actually being truthful on their admittance, admitting of her not having buttock implants... However what was not mentioned was that the test they did on camera was not calibrated to detect "Silicone Injections". Having silicone injections & having silicone implants are two very different procedures. Silicone implants... is silicone encased in a casing that can easily be detected on X-ray. However free flowing silicone injections are undetectable by X-ray, only showing up as fatty depos

MADAMNATION #22/ ... This is a National Address! ... Are you enjoying these juicy topics and anecdotes from the "Dam One" herself... The Notoriously Infamous and imprisoned artist The Black Madam? Then perhaps your friends might enjoy her as well... Help The Nation grow by spreading the word.  Copy and paste this blog address to your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram pages and more... Spread the word so we can take MADAMATION World Wide. MADAMNATION is also seeking out part time social media helpers in order to expand this movement all the way up to an E NETWORKS Reality Show upon the release of the Black Madam from her imprisonment. To take part in the launch of Black Madam's memoir, INFAMOUS coming soon. To reach Black Madam by e-mail... Just go to www.connectnetwork.com , Enter facility: PENNSYLVANIA DEPARTMENT of CORRECTION, search inmate: Page Gordon, Number: OW9674... Follow directions to allow her to

  MADAMNATION #19/ The Bangkok Boy Blues  After a long 23 hours of flight time in total, as I flew from Philadelphia International airport with a few layovers before reaching the Notorious Asian city of Bangkok. I checked into a local hotel to get some much needed sleep before heading out yet again, in the early morning hours for my last connecting flight to my final destination... the tropical island of Koh Samui in order to get some great cosmetic work done by my illustrious Doctor ChimChoke of Bandon International Hospital. While checking into my humble abode in Bangkok, I noticed that I caught the eye of one of the cute Thai bellboys who helped me check in. He later showed up to my room unannounced seeming to be looking for a good time. Me not having anything really to do between my flight that next morning & that moment, I decided what the hell. Thus, I told my new friend to hold on as I grabbed my purse while he checked his time card out. With a w

MADAMNATION / CORRECTION: Black Magic, Witch Craft & Voodoo With the Bewitching season at hand, and the Dark month of October fresh upon us, one can't help but think of Ghouls and Goblins, Black Cats and Witches brewing up mysticism in the Autumn's night air ... thus the centuries old question boggles the mind again... Is Magic Really Real? Well, I will say this trying not to sound too much like a Bible Thumper. It's written in the Bible where GOD says to beware of Divination, Astrology, Palmistry, Numerology, etc... Thus, these are not mentioned in the Bible for nothing. In my own practices in the past, Spells & Rituals worked with stunning yet startling results. Why startling? because to think of some supernatural force other than God manifesting my requested reality, made me wonder it's origins, it's intentions for me, and worst of all... what would I owe such entities for their help. Yes I received my request in abundance... Materialistic thin

MADAMNATION / CORRECTION: Life is Fleeting... In your teens & twenties one feels as if life is everlasting. The world seems bright with budding life and there seem to be no other reasons to think otherwise that life will last forever. During your thirties, you began to take inventory of just where you'd like to settle in in the big scope of things. However, upon entering your forties and beyond, you look into the mirror & find that the years are no friend to any of us... Hence, you realize just what the Japanese mantra "Life is Fleeting" is all about. Thus, as I sit back and listen to Nina Simone's tune ... "Who knows where time goes", I begin this entry. One thing I've learned through the years of being incarcerated, is one begins to see time really & truly as it is. Life stands still in only a mockingly aspect as the inmate watches time move on as he seems held in suspended animation. An ultimate punishment within itself to say

MADAMNATION / CORRECTION: WAGS or WOLPHS... Wives and Girlfriends of Sportsmen or Wives of Lawyers & Professional Hustlers (WOLPHS pronounced Wolfs)... Which are you? I've never been one of those women on the chase after the NBA, NFL Stars or any of the sports genres at that. So you could just imagine the confusion I would be faced with during my times with Amber Rose and her then Sister/Girlfriend BFF Desire back in Philly a few years back during our sessions with building their buttocks during my silicone pumping days prior to Amber's meteoric rise to fame. When visiting their disheveled hotel rooms as they lived the quintessential traveling exotic dancer's life style out of suitcases on their hunt for the next Basketball Star or Rapper that would sponsor their quest to live the high life. I couldn't help but feel out of place, unable to relate to this somewhat seeming primal female need of wanting to find a "daddy" to take care of them. W

MADAMNATION/ CORRECTION: Can ORANGE really be the NEW BLACK? With Lavern Cox on the radar of my new publishing company for dibs on playing "moi", The Black Madam, in the film adaptation of my forth coming memoir INFAMOUS, I wondered many nights since hearing this news... "if Lavern could truly play a convincing role of myself in order to give my fans what they truly desired?" During my writing the memoir, I always thought of model Chanel Iman playing the young "Infamous one" in my humble beginings just prior to my first escort services taking off. Ever since I saw Chanel in a Victoria Secret catalog back in 2013 while in my pretrial detainment & wondering if she could have actually been my love-child by the only girlfriend that I ever had back in college at the University Of The Arts... Julie Won So. Especially being that Chanel was from the same area of California Jules hailed from also. "No guys... Really!" I thought perhaps th

MADAMNATION #20/ The Other Woman... So today I'm just kicking it back with my Room mate Tae as we're just chilling and listening to Series XM Radio on some lazy Sunday vibe here in the State Penn. The DJ on Series is "I guess" playing some make it or break it singles on his rotation. All was sounding hot with the new releases just out, & I'm wishing we could take part in such a simple privilege of the Free World by being able to phone in and voice our opinions on the latest music released. But oh yeah... we're CONVICTS so that's never gonna happen. Then came the next song played... It was a track by a young girl proclaiming to be some guy's weekend chick? I mean, am I hearing this correct? ... the song goes on to have this seemingly low self-esteem girl not only proclaim her second class citizenship in this somewhat relationship of three, she now goes in on it, by giving the World, directive in just how it's all going to go down. And

MADAMNATION #18/ Confessions of my Trans-Male Cell Mate Today my new Cellie Tae got candid with me on the mechanics of being a female to male transgender player. He's 24 years old & professes to have been turnin straight women since he was a kid. With a strap on penis he's affectionately named "Buddy", he says he's never had a problem turning out women who's never been with another female. And trust me" it must be something to his game, for I've seen the hectic path he's plowed, as the past few days have been nothing but crazy with him having to scury to Yard-Out on every session in order to calm his current conquest who's been threatening to kill herself due to Tae's soon departure on parole in less than a week. Tae reluctantly admits that somewhere along the line his feelings must have gotten caught up too during the late night strap-on sessions of hot rubber dildos meshing in the flesh. As he plans to go home & wait till his

MADAMNATION #17/ The Artist who Painted the World with Blood Many don't know this, but Adolph Hitler's deepest passion in life was to be an artist. This talent manifested itself in all that he did. His ideas on the Germanic infrastructures of his idealistic Home State of The Future Chancelor of the World's New Order & beyond. However before his rise to power, he met a cross road in life as a petty officer just after World War One. One road offer him his dream delight, as a Jewish Fine arts dealer was impressed by a young Adolph's work & arranged to Sponsor him in his gallery. However another sponsor, more diabolical & dubiously nefarious became interested in Hitler's other talent that was his Oratorical Skill to mesmerize a crowd to the point of a hypnotic frenzy which could command an army to do his bidding. Hitler however dreamt only to be a successful artist above all. One day during a huge meet this latter group invited Hitler to join them in thei

MADAMNATION #16/ WAGS or WOLPHS... Wives and Girlfriends of Sportsmen or Wives of Lawyers & Professional Hustlers (WOLPHS pronounced Wolfs)... Which are you? I've never been one of those women on the chase after the NBA, NFL Stars or any of the sports genres at that. So you could just imagine the confusion I would be faced with during my times with Amber Rose and her then Sister/Girlfriend BFF Desseire back in Philly a few years back during our sessions with building their buttocks during my silicone pumping days prior to Amber's meteoric rise to fame. When visiting their dishevelled hotel rooms as they lived the quintessential traveling exotic dancer's life style out of suitcases on their hunt for the next Basketball Star or Rapper that would sponsor their quest to live the high life. I couldn't help but feel out of place unable to relate to this somewhat seeming primal female need of wanting to find a "daddy" to take care of them. Was this UN-relatabi

MADAMNATION #15/ Life is Fleeting... In your teens & twenties one feels as if life is everlasting. The world seems bright with budding life and there seem to be no other reasons to think otherwise that life will last forever. During your thirties, you began to take inventory of just where you'd like to settle in in the big scope of things. However, upon entering your fourties and beyond, you look into the mirror and find that the years are no friend to any of us... Hence, you realize just what the Japanese mantra "Life is Fleeting" is all about. Thus, as I sit back and listen to Nina Simons' tune ... "Who knows where time goes", I begin this entry. One thing I've learned through the years of being incarcerated, is one begins to see time really & truly as it is. Life stands still in only a mockingly aspect as the inmate watches time move on as he seems held in suspended animation. An ultimate punishment within itself to say the least. C

MADAMNATION #14/ Paris is for lovers... Smelling the crisp fall air blowing faintly through my cracked window of my cubicle, takes me back to memories far past of the last time me and my love, Nikolaus visited Paris France in October of 2009. Just off the Jetway in my Red Bottom Loubiton's & Coco Channel Pink pant suit, Nikky & I were ushered off to our temporary palace in the City of Lights. The Plaza Antenee was everything Nik promised it would be & more. The Hotel Manager had personally escorted us up to our beautiful Marie Antoinette suite fit for nothing but royalty up in the Parisian skyline just across from Le Tower Eifiel. Of all the many other times I visited Paris in my past, It was on this one visit that I would come to realize the truth in the myth..."The City of Lights being the most romantic place in the World”. With the great food, the late night dancing...& world renowned beautiful art everywhere, it's not hard to fall head over he

MADAMNATION #13/Black Magic, Witch Craft & Voodoo... With the Bewitching Season at hand, and the Dark Month of October fresh upon us, one can't help but think of Ghouls and Goblins, Black Cats and Witches brewing up mysticism in the Autumn's night air ... thus the centeries old question boggles the mind again...Is Magic Really Real? Well, I will say this trying not to sound too much like a Bible Thumper. It's written in the Bible where GOD says to beware of Divination, Astrology, Palmistry, Numerology, etc... Thus, these are not mentioned in the Bible for nothing. In my own practices in the past, Spells & Rituals worked with stunning yet startling results. Why startling? because to think of some supernatural force other than God manifesting my requested reality, made me wonder it's origins, it's intentions for me, and worst of all... what would I owe such entities for their help. Yes I received my request in abundance... Materialistic things, Wealth, Cont

MADAMNATION #12/ My Secret Society Ties Unveiled...Today I receive an interesting e-mail from a new member of MADAMNATION. Ariel wanted to know if the rumors were indeed true of my ties to one of the High OTO Temples of Philadelphia's Secret Societies/ The Madamic Order? This is indeed a touchy subject with me at present, as I have vowelled to not dabble in anything that might compromise my faith. However, I must say that I have been contemplating just were my true beliefs lie these days. While trying Christianity, I found myself quickly turned off due to the many contradictions of the faith & that being the foundation of which I pledge to never venture off into the occult any more, I questioned just what grounds would I continue my current pledge on. I find myself somewhere between the two if there can even be a place in truth. Not the strick structure of a Christian, but not all the way deep into the occult where I once stood. I've even been reading up on the theory of

MADAMNATION #11/ Loyalty Loyalty Loyalty... Sitting here in my cage contemplating my past. Remembering all the good times shared & millions spared on the many who claimed to be my Ride or Die friends and partners in crime during the good times of life while I was doing my thing on high. Until the fall came & they were all called on that oath... & as fake as those pledges made during their childhood recital of their allegiance to the flag with no true understanding of the words falling from their mouths... like always... when the smoke is cleared, I realized that I've been battling this fight for my life all alone. Phone calls don't get answered... and they ain't even collect ones. Mail ain't replied to even when I sent you SASE...Dam, where is the loyalty professed when i was making it rain. Trips to Paris just killing the game. you can just throw it all away just cause you could. They ain't never lied when they say you find out who really cares when t

MADAMNATION #10 / SEX CHANGES THE WORLD / The Penis vs Vagina... After receiving my sexchange many years ago in Quito Ecuador, Many curious minds have asked me the same question over & over through the years... Was sex better with my penis or my Vagina? Thus, with what I am about to answer next, Please be advised that I am a person who thrives to live in the moment at all times. Meaning, that once I discovered the magnificence of sexual expression as a teen, with masturabating at least 5 or 6 times a day. Needless to say... I enjoyed the pleasure of my loins in abundance. Once meeting my first and only girlfriend in life during college, and finally feeling the sweetness of a virgin vagina, that too... I delves into with full joyfulness of enjoying the male on female sexual experience whole heartily. However, once in receipt of my own wonderful vagina after my long desired sexchange... Nothing could compare to the satisfaction and fulfillment of having my own fully functioning v

MADAMNATION #09/ Can ORANGE really be the "NEW BLACK ?" With Lever Cox on the radar of my new publishing company for dibs on playing "moi", The Black Madam, in the film adaptation of my forth coming memoir INFAMOUS, I wondered many nights since hearing this news... "if Lever could truly play a convincing role of myself in order to give my fans what they truly desired?" During my writing the memoir, I always thought of model Channel Iman playing the young "Infamous one" in my humble beginings just prior to my first escort service taking off. Ever since I saw Channel in a Victoria Secret catalog back in 2013 while in my pretrial detainment & wondering if she could have actually been my love-child by the only girlfriend that I ever had back in college at the University Of The Arts... Julie Won So. Especially being that Channel was from the same area of California Jules hailed from also. "No guys... REALLY!" I thought perhap

MADAMNATION #08/ TRIX for TREATS, & being Gay for the Stay. Oh how the women get it in, in the Pennsylvania State Pen... Campus life here at SCI-CBS is any thing but the reformatory it was meant to be in the fight & deterrence of crime in Pennsylvania. More like the wild college life of an all girl's school with it's pupils so hungry to be loved & had... you would find at any given moment & on any given turn of a corner (just out of camera reach of course), women making out like it was their last days to live. No we're not talking about simple lesbian love of a Death Row inmate here... what I'm speaking of is the worst type of casual lust there is... The wretchedness of the Jail House Ritual known across campus as the "Gay For The Stay". Pathetic as it might sound... women who would not otherwise ever even consider being in a homosexual relationship, not just dibbling and dabbling out of curiosity sake, but in full out relationships like pro

 MADAMNATION #07/ The Ugly Garments of Christianity... Before my detainment, I was someone who was extremely into the Occult scene. I openly practiced Witch Craft, Black Magic, Voodoo & any other Reality Altering Theories in order to gain the ultimate in Power & Control over my own destiny. However, after my arrest, & once I was finally charged with the accidental murder of my client, I felt very vulnerable & longed for some sort of Divine guidance. A guidance that only God could give, for my own hand had led me to my current circumstances I felt. Thus, I began to seek out something higher than myself. Along the way I found Christianity. I felt that It was a Beautiful Religion & way to express one's devotion to God and his son Jesus Christ when practiced the proper way..."the way Jesus intended it to be, in humility". However, as I traversed deeper into the Baptist denomination of the faith, the more I encountered hypocrisy through & through.

 MY DAM FAM: Pease be advised when reading and enjoying my inserts, Remember that I only have 2000 character space to express my ideas, opinions, and views in one blog entry from my imprisonment... Thus if there is a subject matter that you would like me to reiterate in detail with... Send me an email with your Q&A notating the MADAMNATION Blog #... and I would love to go into a dialog with you with your understanding that all response become property of the MADAMNATION BLOG SITE, and will be published for it's viewing community. To reach Black Madam by e-mail... Just go to www.connectnetwork.com , Enter facility: PENNSYLVANIA DEPARTMENT Of CORRECTION, search inmate: Page Gordon, Number: OW9674... Follow directions to allow me to e-mail you back. To send mail by U.S. post: send to Page Victoria Gordon #OW9674, Cambridge Springs, Pennsylvania 16403-1238, UNTIED STATES. Thanks... I'll be talking to you shortly... ★MADAM★

Keeping up with appearances is the petty truth of Women serving their time in the Pennsylvania Department Of Corrections. What do I mean? Most in the free world I'm sure, are under the assumption that female corrections is a counterpart to the harsh reality of men serving time here in the state Pennsylvania. However, nothing could be so further from the truth here at "Camp CupCake" SCI-Cambridge Springs. From an outside view, it seems that one would think if a women commits a crime in the State, she must now go away from her family and life she's known... to do "HARD TIME", but that is only in appearances. The State show the public that there is a penalty for doing wrong in our society. Thus, they perpetuate the facade of the many negative stereo type of HARD prison life to the free world. But I've come to find that, beyond the Great Curtain of the Puppet Mastering of OZ, lies the truth of it all. Once sucked into the Rabbit Hole of Women's Corr

Hello Madamnation... Just checking in to give you all the heads up on all things BLACK MADAM! and inviting you to join in on helping The MAD-Nation go PRIME TIME. Check out my new E Networks Reality Television Show pitch(er) book. It's Free! Just log on to www.prisonsfoundation.org, and search for The Black Madam Graphic Pitch(er) book... "Building AssSets"... Download it for free now! And join in on the movement to contact E Networks after viewing the book to see your favorite Madam hit the air ways... What is Building AssSets? A Documents series based on the Notoriously, Infamous imprisoned transgender Recording Artist, The Black Madam. Who's served jail time for the international Black Market Silicone Buttock Injections Scandal to the stars, including Ex-Girlfriend to Rap Star Kanye West (model Amber Rose) and his now wife (Kim Kardashian-West)... These are services which ended in the accidental death of a British Model/ Dancer who flew from London to r

Just a brief message of the day to MADAMNATION "Pronounced" (My Dam Nation)... You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't take nothing less than the best, for the world can be a harsh & cold place out there, & you can get ate up in the process of settling for less than you deserve. I woke up about 4:30 am this morning because I just couldn't sleep. Trying my best to settle in & get acclimated with my new dorm settings here on campus after being relocated about a half a football field across the grounds from where I just spent the past two years here at SCI-CBS. Being up in the wee early morning hours like that got me to thinking. Thinking about my best friend Eve Harlowe and how she tends to get MIA on me throughout this whole bid that I've been grinding out these last almost 6 years. She says that she's just been too busy with life, & that I should just understand... & just be there whenever she finds the time for me...ie

Erica Wants Black Market Buttock Injections, and stopped me on the Jogging track here at SCI-CBS to ask me for advice. As you could imagine, I gave her the best & only advice one women could give to another right there on the track. She seemed very receptive to the advice i gave which was to NEVER think of such a horrible decision which could only end in what I call (The 3D Experience) either her being woefully Dissatisfied, Disfigured or even worst... Death!  I remember back during my years of service providing, many of my clients would come to me with ambitions to gain enhancement to their buttock for this reason or that. But none so great as to play a possible game of Russian Roulette with their lives. She (Erica) explained how she had many self esteem issues & felt having a big ass would make her feel better about herself. We talked more about how I knew a woman who got the injections, & the injector hit a major artery in her buttocks & she died a few hou

                                                                                                                                        I am a Recording Artist, a Writer, a passionate Record Producer & Business Woman, and for now until my release date... i am a prisoner of the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections here in Cambridge Springs Pa. I was arrested, tried and convinced for Black Market Silicone Buttock Injections gone Wrong which claimed the life of one of my clients in 2011. Thus with that being said... I feel what more befitting a topic today for my first blog entry subject, than to speak about just that... Our current world's obsessions with "Big Asses". Being a transgender teenage girl growing up in Philly, i learned first hand of the power of the "Bîg Booty". It got me much of the flashy things i desired. The attention from the men i longed for. And it also led me to loosing some very precious years of my life behind bars while dea